18 September 1779 (2)
Letter 47. Mary Hays to John Eccles, Saturday, 18 September 1779.1
Portions in yellow highlight were excluded by A. F. Wedd in her published versions of the Hays-Eccles Correspondence in 1925.]
[p. 179]
I shall always reflect with pleasure on our excursion to Lark Hall;2 ’tis the prettiest romantic spot I ever saw; I perfectly long to pay the old lady another visit; I never spent a more agreeable afternoon. – Shall I praise you – yes I will, for you deserve it – your whole behavior3 yesterday gave me the sincerest pleasure; it was tender, obliging, attentive, in short, it was every thing I could wish! – your sentiments, your observations, charmed me – because, they intirely coincided with my own; a very good reason you must allow. – Before I knew you, I imagined men4 were perfect strangers to [p. 180] that delicate, that refined way of thinking, which women in general possess; I concluded that your educations being different, gave a different turn to your pursuits, and your ideas also; and that your souls were incapable of feeling those exquisitely sweet sensations, those tender instillations of nature, which alone is productive of heart felt delight! – I am now convinced of my error, a conviction that gives me inexpressible satisfaction. – Continue ever what you are at present, and my heart will be intirely your own; I shall be proud of its attachment to you, as it will be a proof that I am not incapable of distinguishing worth. – Don’t, however, be too conceited with my commendations; perhaps I am partial; if I am excuse the friend. – I have not heard you talk of going to Fordingbridge lately; (I had almost said) I hope that scheme was laid aside, I don’t know why neither – ’tis silly I own – but if you wish to go, I should be very sorry that any nonsensical fears of mine, should prevent your doing any thing that might be for your advantage; I have your real interest at heart. – But now I am talking of my follies, shall I tell you another of them – No, I won’t – ’tis an ungenerous idea, and I will banish it from my mind – pardon my mentioning of it – but I believe I must explain myself lest I should unwittingly give you pain by exciting your curiosity – Well then, know – that I have sometimes felt a painful emotion, when reflecting on the beauty and amiable qualities of Mrs C------5 [p. 181] and that you was once attached to her, lest6 any remains of that attachment should still lie lurking in your heart (though perhaps undiscovered by yourself,) for I am persuaded you would not intentionally deceive me; or if that passion should be intirely extinguished, (which I trust it is) yet I doubt whether it be possible for a man really to love twice – to love with fervency, with the warm animated, entire affection of the soul, with every faculty of it. – I know you esteem me; I know you love me; but do you feel those same solicitudes, anxieties; those thrilling sensations on my account, which you experienced for the aforementioned lady. – I blush on the reperusal of what I have written – yet – I must have your whole, your undivided heart! – I am a little covetous hussey – but – I know you will forgive me – I depend on your often experienced indulgence. – Do not think me void of delicacy for making such undisguised avowals of my sentiments; I have been always used to “let my heart dictate and my pen obey,” and cannot now learn the art of dissimulation; if it is necessary instruct me – though I flatter myself you are equally a stranger to it. –
I long to take Miss Dunkin to our cottage7 – I think she will be charmed with ^it^; if I judge of her from myself I am sure she will; I should like to live in such a sweet little retirement, “The world forgetting,8 by the world forgot.”9 – I am [p. 182] certain I should be better in such a situation than I am at present; there is something in the country, in the serene enjoyments of nature, which raises the mind to heaven –
“These are thy glorious works parent of good
Almighty, thine this universal frame;
Thus wondrous10 fair; thy self how wondrous then!
Unspeakable, who sitteth11 above these heavens
To us invisible, or dimly seen
In these thy lowest works; yet these declare
Thy goodness beyond thought, and power divine.”12
I am now writing by candle-light; ’tis with regret I see the days shorten so considerably, and the winter approach so fast, the season of consolation; it will deprive us of our walks, and of all the pleasing train of ideas which flow from them – and what amends will it bring for such deprivations; Alas! none – its charms are only for the gay, the dissipated – let them enjoy their pleasures unenvied by me; still shall we have this consolation of conversing to each other upon paper – and next to the satisfaction which the company of a friend gives us, is that of writing to them; it is now become so habitual to me to take up my pen and scribble13 to you at every leisure hour, that I don’t know whether I could live without [p. 183] it; it can never prove a task, because I write with freedom, without the least constraint; secure of your indulgence to my prattle, for how often have you repeated how much you love your
Maria. –
Sepr 18th 1779. –
1 Alternate versions can be found in Brooks, Correspondence 113-14; Wedd, Love Letters 88-90.
2 Lark Hall was situated just to the south of Vauxhall and Lambeth Bridge; a park remains in its vicinity to this day, with Larkhall now a ward of Lambeth. Below is an image of Lark Hall in 1780, the same time that Eccles and Hays visited there. In later letters (53, 57, 68) they will refer a resident at the Hall as "the old lady." She may have been the owner, but her role at the Hall is never specified.
3 behavour] MS
4 the men] MS
5 Chissell
6 least] MS
7 Apparently the Hays family owned, or at least had access to, a cottage in the nearby countryside that Eccles had previously visited.
8 forgeting] MS
9 A famous line from Pope's Eloisa to Abelard (1717).
10 wonderous] MS
11 sitth] MS
12 Lines from Milton's Paradise Lost, Book V.
13 scrible] MS