31 August 1779

Letter 31.  John Eccles to Mary Hays, Tuesday morning, 31 August 1779.1

Portions in yellow highlight were excluded by A. F. Wedd in her published versions of the Hays-Eccles Correspondence in 1925.]

[p. 122]

     Little did I ever think, I should be obliged to apologize to my dearest Maria, for acting ungenerously, or unkindly to her; yet you will have it so, and I must beg your pardon for writing letters, which were never meant to convey any sentiment, incompatible with the warmest affection, with the purest love. – No, I would not exchange my interest in your heart, for the possession of kingdoms, nor could empires ever tempt me to undervalue your esteem; I am too deeply sensible of its worth. – Set aside these doubts for ever, and do not join yourself with my enemies. – In the depression of my heart, though I suggested a multitude of fears, yet if you remain unshaken by them, be confident they never will have any weight with me. – If by laying before you difficulties (I wish to suppose some of them ideal) to prove the firmness of your constancy, I gave you pain, yet think I had my share of suffering the while. – I am not devoid of feeling; to give you any uneasiness, inflicts its own punishment, as to be the [p. 123] means of wooing to your pleasures, brings its own reward. – Can any distress dwell in that loved bosom, disturbing its peace, and I not join the sympathetic sigh? – My heart rises and enervates the idea. – To mitigate your sorrows is pleasure, to heighten your pleasures, is real delight. – Never suspect my constancy; could I suppose myself capable of ingratitude so black; of inconstancy so cruel, as ever to desert you, how would my pride be humiliated! – I should despise myself. – No, I’ll ever love you – for ever keep you in my heart – none but you shall ever find access there, and you will know the way to it. – Oh! ’tis all yours; ’tis not a divided heart; you shall ever reign there. – But remember I have nothing more to offer you; yet were I possessed of honors, and a fortune independent, I am assured I should feel an additional pleasure in presenting them to you; yet let me not indulge the thought, ’tis an unpleasing one; does it not tend to envy? at least its tends to infelicity. – Since then it is out of my power, let me philosophize. –

“Can wealth give happiness? look round and see

What gay distress! What splendid misery!”2 

’Tis in vain to wish for what is denied us; besides no doubt ’tis withheld for infinitely wise ends. – Who knows what a change riches might make in me? – I might be vain; might love you (yet [p. 124] heaven forbid) though not with less tenderness, yet with less assiduous attention. – If ’tis for this, I readily acquiesce in the want of them –

“The ways of heaven, are dark and intimate,

Puzzled in mazes, and perplex’d with error;

Lost and bewilder’d in the fruitless search

Our understanding traces them in vain;

Nor sees with how much art the windings run,

Nor where the regular confusion ends.”3 

So far then I am satisfied; convinced all is for the best, I resign myself to the will of providence; ’tis wisdom, ’tis virtue to do so.

    I have read your letter; ’tis answered in what I have already written; much I repent of the anxiety I have caused you, yet believe me ’twas unintentional; could I have foreseen what has been the consequence, to atoms would I have torn the scroll, that now hurts your peace. – I am glad the former part of this letter is an answer to yours, otherwise you might have thought pity dictated that consolation, which love refused – Yet I have not been used to deceive you. – I am affected with your complaining; its reproaches are too tender; why then did I ever deserve them? Believe me, I never have deserved them; yet you will think so, [p. 125] and I must bear them. – conscious I have ever loved you – that I have not bestowed a single thought on any one but you – that my unreserved heart has long been yours; I feel your words with the temper of innocence – I bear them without repining, because you think me false. (Oh! hard) Yet be convinced, be assured my affections are as lively as ever – my heart still glows with as bright a flame – still do I feel the same thrilling sensations playing around it – at thought of you, I still feel the same pleasurable emotions – my heart beats with a quicker impulse. – Time instead of extinguishing the fire of love, refines it and makes it burn the clearer – Be satisfied then of my eternal truth and constancy – never, never can I sustain the thought of forsaking you – I entertain not a wish but for your happiness – You guide every thought of my heart. – As I intend to give you this, if possible, before I go out this morning, I must leave off – Never more doubt, my dearest Maria, that my affections,

                            that I am all your’s

                                                 J. Eccles. –

Tuesday morn: August 31st 1779.   

1 Alternate versions can be found in Brooks, Correspondence 86-87; Wedd, Love Letters 64-65.

2 Lines from Edward Young's Satire V, a part of his larger work, Love of Fame. 

3 Lines from Addison's Cato, Act 1, scene 1.