Eliza Fenwick, Barbados, to Mary Hays, at T. Hay’s Esqr, Mill Street, Bermondsey, 20 January 1819.1 Barbados Jany 20th 1819 What sad interruptions take place my dear friend in our correspondence. I take shame to myself when I acknowledge that much blame rests with me but in the present instance the arrear is on your side for neither of my two last letters have purchased me a reply. How is this? Are you determined to punish me for what has appeared to you, though not so in reality, past negligences I would rather believe this to be the case than fancy that illness or new afflictions had caused your silence. Put an end I beseech you to my suspense and tell me, which I hope you can, that I still possess the blessing of your esteem and affection. I am going to open my
heart to you on a subject which has often put fetters on my inclination to
write to you & made me with-hold my pen, prompt as it always is to speak
<–> of every occurrence in which my feelings are interested. I did not
consider it either just or generous to tell even you that Eliza was not more
fortunate in marriage than her mother had been, while the evil was new, &
there appeared, from avowals of repentance & better determinations, a
prospect of amendment. An insatiable love of Company & late hours seduced Mr
R— into the habit of constant intoxication. A speculation, two indeed, which he
had engaged in with certainty (of one in particular) the most flattering prospects
of extraordinary advantage, failed, and embarrassed our concern extremely by
the money sunk & engagements entered into. For this he ought not to be
blamed, except as far as the zeal & spirit with which he commenced the
enterprises sunk too early before unexpected difficulties that arose, but most
blameable indeed was he to suffer these disappointments to urge him to a
continuance of the detestable practice which made him not only incapable of
benefitting his family but rendered him a disgrace & a burthen. Elizas
health sunk under the perpetual irritation of her feelings. It was a subject on
which she could not speak to me nor I to her, though I could perpetually trace
her suppressed anguish & bitter mortification in her haggard features,
decaying constitution and altered temper. This was misery enough for me. The
present was torture – the future promised but an aggravation of a very
suffering of my former life, and I passed daily from the fatiguing mind of my
toils, to gloomy meditations & anticipations which made the writing even to
you a revolting task. At length however Eliza after every effort, that a strong
sense of the duties & moral obligation of her ties could dictate, insisted
on a separation; advising him to try whether change of scene and a cessation of
those intercourses which he had not resolution to avoid, would not restore him
to a better course of life. She urged this reasoning: that while his habits
destroyed her peace & her health she was equally incapable with himself of
due exertions for the benefit of her children: That she must believe (till time
had confirmed him a new man) that he never would labour for the advantage of
his children; & therefore all their claims were transferred to her: &
that in her calculations for the future Eliza’s last baby is called Orlando Fenwick & is I think one of the loveliest infants I ever beheld though so reduced at his birth by his mothers previous afflictions that we did not expect to rear him. He is six months old – strong – large & vigorous; yet precious as it was to give him the memorial of his Uncles name we have neither of us courage to use it. When uttered by any other: it produces so visible & acute a pang that the family all avoid it & the beautiful Child is still boy-boy with us all. I think his eyes will exactly resemble Lano’s (the others have dark hazel eyes) & the contour of his head & face resemble his, but he is as fair as alabaster. They are all fine & intelligent Children. Mrs R— has once heard from her husband – A letter full of contrition & avowed remorse but what he is doing or what he intends to do we are strangers to. And now my dear friend having unburthened my heart to you & confessed why I have written with restraint or shrunk from the very few opportunities incessant claims and occupations leave me, let me entreat you to write and write often. Do not make any particular comment on the circumstances I have now communicated. Eliza has great pleasure in reading your letters and I would spare her as many recollections of the past as I can, nor seem to push her misfortune in such a husband into observation. Many apprehensions are entertained here of a second insurrection. I hope the danger is greatly magnified, but the reports tend to keep the militia & regulars on the Alert. My own health is
matter of Amazement to me. I wonder how I support my fatigues especially during
the hot months when I pass sleepless nights. We had a dreadfully long Farewell my dear dear Friend! Every comfort & blessing that you can wish in the present & succeeding years be yours prays your affectionate E Fenwick
I hope you are again writing. Your success will surely instigate you to the constant use of the precious talent you possess.2 Address: To Mrs M. Hays | T. Hays Esqr | Mill Street | Bermondsey Postmark: 30 March 1819 1 Fenwick Family Papers, Correspondence, 1798-1855, New York Historical Library; Wedd, Fate of the Fenwicks 193-96; not in Brooks, Correspondence. 2 Hays's next work would be her Memoirs of Queens in 1821. |
MARY HAYS: LIFE, WRITINGS, AND CORRESPONDENCE > MARY HAYS CORRESPONDENCE > 1810-1819 > 1819 >