Eliza Fenwick, Barbados, to Mary Hays, [no address page], 14 August 1819.1
Barbados Augst 14th 1819 When
when my dear Friend, have I, since my first arrival in this Island which has
been the grave of so many proud & dearly cherished expectations, sat down
to write to you with such a glow as at this moment spreads from my heart to my
visage! I feel my cheeks pale face is glowing with the expectation that makes
me seem to be above feeling the clogs, embarrassments, labours, and anxieties,
that, in reality, surround me for oh my dear Mary I shall I believe once more
see you! Once more embrace the friend who has consoled me under many
afflictions, and shewn me an exemplary affection through vicissitudes that have
made me wear the semblance of ill deserving! We are coming to England! The
cause is melancholy, but the effect I trust will be blessed. Eliza will never
recover here, it is but too obvious.
All that medicine, diet, nursing, air & bathing can do has been tried &
tried in vain. With every change she mends a
little, & presently falls back into the same wretched state of
unceasing pain, and palpitations of the heart so violent, that nothing but
strong opiates can allay. Such remedies of course increase the debility which You my dear Mary are disgusted with living in the bustle of a school,2 so I suppose I must not ask you to make one of my family. But you will come & see me, will you not? You will come and see Eliza looking nearly as old and much paler than her Mother, with her four interesting babes around her – You must come and adopt a portion of this little Orlando who by his volatile spirits, health, & sweet temper, hourly reminds me of his uncles infancy, & twines himself irresistibly round every fibre of my heart – Ah my dear Mary there is yet a pang to be suffer’d, even in this longed for enterprise – Lanno’s Grave must be left behind! I have looked to that hallowed spot as my final shelter. Eliza, I said to myself, will have her sons to sleep with her in the tomb & I shall rest with mine! But he must rest alone! No kindred dust will join with his! – Vain foolish tears will flow whenever these thoughts occur, but our duties are to the living not the dead and his beautiful Spirit is the associate of Purity & happiness though his outward form perishes in an obscure & foreign grave. And now my dear Friend how short an interval lies between this and my new mode of life. It is late in the day for me to begin fresh schemes but I do not seem to have grown <–> old in faculties though advanced in years. Sustained astonishingly through incredible toils & oppressing anxieties I seem but the more invigorated and the more fitted for the struggles I must look to encounter. I seek first Eliza’s restoration to health & vigour. The voyage itself, it is supposed, will do much for that, and my next object is to form a permanent establishment for her to proceed with when I am gone to be no more seen. She has had great offers to go to the Theatre at Jamaica from a report spreading that she wd resume the stage. Her health would not support the fatigue & the stage affords no settled home for the rearing ^of^ Children. You made some pleasant acquaintances when you were at Clifton. Will you not bespeak their good opinions for me when I come? I should wish for some society because I shall probably have some tall girls whom I should wish to see something of English manners. We have Harp Players & some excellent Piano-forte players, but music & dancing must not be their only recreations. I wish them to learn to relish intelligent Conversation. But for your speaking with such dislike of your Peckham residence I should have proposed without hesitation your making my house your home but now I must not I imagine. The french Assistant I have here I do not mean to take, because though highly accomplished in French Italian & Music her terms are too high. I shall want one who will be more willing to attend to subordinate matters and yet she must be mistress of French & if possible a native of Paris & well educated. Can you enquire what salaries are usually given in schools to such a Person? Whatever information you can give me either with respect to the part of the Country where I intend to fix, of the general rate of living in England or any other matters relative I shall most gladly receive. Eliza joins in affectionate remembrances With yrs most truly E Fenwick Pray write immediately Address: To | Mrs M. Hays Postmark: None 1 Fenwick Family Papers, Correspondence, 1798-1855, New York Historical Library; Wedd, Fate of the Fenwicks 196-200; Brooks, Correspondence 350-52. 2 At this time Hays was living with the Fenn in Peckham Lane, south London; Mrs. Fenn kept a school, so once again Hays was living in a situation surrounded by school-age children, just as she had done at Mrs. Mackie's school in Oundle.
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