Eliza Fenwick, Lee Mount, to Mrs. M. Hays, at T.
Hays, Esqr, Wandsworth Common, 24 May 1814.1
Lee Mount May 24th
1814
Thank you my dear
Friend for the readiness with which you undertake every service which
the embarrassments of my situation urges me to require. Thank you also
sincerely for the affectionate warmth which your advice displays, but even your
zeal has failed to convince ^me^ that I am not acting precisely as I ought when
I persevere in declining to send Orlando to his sister. Both my letters to you
were written in moments both
of pressure both of time and thought & I believe I did not mention
what has been my chief inducement to lay aside that Plan. Eliza with the
beginning of the new year began the project of a school in Barbadoes for me,
upon the prudent consideration of making the ^an^ experiment upon the
professions of those who had loudly & long declared that if she & her mother opened a school on the Island
the greatest encouragement would be given & that it must inevitably be a most profitable undertaking. She deemed
this to be the more necessary as one of her warmest patronesses &
possessing great influence had, during Eliza’s residence at Antigua, removed to
England to continue there during the education of her two little boys. The
Commissioner, her Husband, whom Eliza thought during the two months of her
visit to their house, (after leaving Mr Dykes’s) a very moral &
steady man has since his wifes departure indulged in open licentiousness &
keeps two Negro ^Creole^ Mistresses in his dwelling house, which of
course puts a stop to all intercourse & to the possibility of using his
recommendation – Another valuable connection was lost by that littleness of mind
which constantly stands in the way – Mrs Beccles the Attorney Generals wife who had
imbibed quite a passion for having me
as Governess to her Grand Children felt proudly & weakly resentful at her
liberal proposals being rejected & frankly told Eliza that she would not
give any support to the school plan. Resolving therefore to try the <–>
remaining likelihood, as I said before she advertised & commenced with Mary Olton the niece & heiress
of the Sopers who never had children. Mr Rutherford &
Eliza had made a very scrupulous calculation on numbers & profit and fixed
the terms at what they deemed not exorbitant & but a just & a bare
remuneration for the risques to me of voyage & to change of climate,
deeming it unwise for me to encounter such changes without the prospect of
doing more than gaining mere daily subsistence. Five strangers within the first
fortnight called on Eliza and gave her their children, but at the end of two
months not one of those who had been most eager to recommend the adoption of
the progress ^project^ had come forward. Three causes were alledged for
their delay – Viz – that the terms were very
high – that I was so long in
determining to come that it appeared very doubtful whether I ever would come;
& lastly that if I declined coming to Barbadoes it was not likely Mrs
Rutherford would stay to carry on the school; so that they thought it better
^they said^ to wait a little while, lest they should incur the inconveniences
of removing their children & paying fresh entrances to other schools. But
according to old proverbs while the grass grows the steed starves. Eliza &
Mr R— will have embarrassed themselves & sunk their money in an
experiment which my courage shrinks from. They are still persuaded that if I
had been there or was actually on my progress thither, that the success would
equal our hopes, & they judge so from the eager sensation spread in
Feby, through their connections, spread by the report of that
I was actually a passenger on board a West India Man coming into the Harbour
& had sent notice of arrival to Mrs Rutherford by the Pilots
boat; and the Sopers who hear and repeat to Eliza all the pro’s and cons warmly
urge my hastening to Barbadoes with the least delay possible. But I have lost
my courage and cannot undertake the enterprise. I have to my own thoughts
relinquished the project & have so written to the Rutherfords. To be much
longer separated from me I am convinced Eliza will not endure and when they
receive that letter they will anxiously turn their eyes homewards. How then or
why then should I send Orlando to a West India Island to be destitute of
protectors & to have no one to form for him those connections hereafter
necessary to serve him? I never contemplated his going but in conjunction with
my establishment there & that establishment which shewed such promising
features in perspective I thought would enable me to bear a share in the heavy
expence of carrying their wishes for his destination into that effect. The
schemes rose together and together they fall. I feel that I was imprudent in
not adopting the measure ^of the school^ when first laid before me. I ought to
have felt that my demanding a twelvemonths consideration & delay, must
necessarily check the zeal of persons who had merely founded that zeal on the
caprice of a supposition. I think their doubts of me are the very natural
results of my earlier doubts & timidity; but still I think such hesitation
so natural & indeed becoming to a poor storm beaten pilgrim like me that I
make no self reproaches. Orlando’s outset is unfavorable. One hope after
another has been held up to his view, ^first^ by one & then the other
parent without due consideration on either part. He has however so much more to
commend than to blame in my conduct towards him that I trust I shall never have
my mistakes pointed out by him. I perceive that he must be a mere daily drudge
at the desk without looking beyond. The situation Mr Lyals mentioned would have exactly fitted
my hopes, I know that he cannot in the beginning get a remuneration to support it
him. My industry must supply the deficiency. This I stated before in the letter
inclosed to Mr Robinson. If you got yours how could his miss its
way, or have you only received a later one sent through Mr Lamb?
Here I cannot let Orlando remain. It would be destruction now to keep him
unemployed & pining to be employed. Encounter what difficulties I may, I
see but one means that of bringing him
to London myself to solicit every where & of every body their enquiries or
recommendation. I should have taken the first packet after the receipt of your
letter but that I am very anxious to avoid missing my West India letters which
I have been daily expecting this month past, & also because I had expended
every shilling of my gains up to the end of the last quarter & am obliged
to serve half of the next to collect enough to bring me ^us^ to London. I
hope to begin my voyage about the 10th of June and allowing a week
for my progress pray write me a line ^on the 17th^ directed to the
care of Mr Lamb
No 4 Inner Temple Lane, ^Fleet Street^ saying where or how I may see
you. Shall you visit Mrs Francis Mrs
Palmer Mrs W Hills or Mrs Wedd2 – Out of Town Orlando may, but
I fear I shall not be able to reach you. What I am to do with myself I
know not. I have no house nor friend to receive me. The critical state of Miss
Lambs mind will not allow that I should make the smallest demand on her spirits
& Mr Lamb wrote to entreat that I would not even consult with
her about Orlando’s destination. Mrs Mackay is a more lucky woman than poor
I – she would not I suppose be thus destitute of an asylum in the same
circumstances. I have one or two real & warm hearted friends but
they are scarcely less poor than myself. At present I certainly think of
returning to Ireland but casualties may occur. Mr Honner is
advertising ^the sale of^ Lee Mount.
His last application to be restored to his Army rank has been most decidedly
rejected. Counsellors opinions say he cannot yet redress in the courts of Law.
His horses have been more & more unsuccessful. He is involved in two
unpromising Law suits. Miss Honner near 17 is old enough to quit the school
room & I cannot help anticipating some change of their plans of living that
will part us. If so I must shift, for myself & my boy, in London. I need
not request you my dear Mary still to be on the watch for some means of giving
employment to Orlando. Thank you for applying to Mr Tooke.3 Think for me whether it
would be advisable or proper for me to wait on him or any one else ^you
mention^ with my solicitations. My health is not very good just now, but
according to Dr Buchan my present complaints are all nervous.
Uneasiness of mind & considerable mental labour, with that irritation which
the adverse inclinations & negligences of Children creates I take to
be the cause and probably a voyage & change of scene may do me good –
though to own the truth my present luxuries & comforts look very admirable
contrasted with the expectation of no
home & an empty purse in
London. Do not think me insane for tempting such difficulties I should be
insane & almost deserve to be so were I not to make a desperate effort
since none other presents itself, to serve this Boy. Promising myself that with such humble
expectations as mine I could have more easily fixed him I did think when I
wrote before of sending him alone, fancying Miss Lamb might be well enough to take the
guardianship – Both expectations being erroneous my course is very distinctly
though not very pleasantly marked out.
Do not forget to send
a line for me to the Temple & contrive a meeting for us. I felt gratified by your being
at Wandsworth.4 Family intercourses with all defects are precious. Think now
what an outcast I am. Oh what a shelter’d happy being shall I feel myself to be
when fortune weary of persecuting me re-unites me to my affectionate Girl. She
says that a moments happiness lives in her estimation beyond months of sorrow.
I must adopt that creed & think that the pleasure of now meeting you in
London will counterbalance the anxieties that bring me thither.
Farewell dear friend
Yrs
sincerely
E
Fenwick
Address: Mrs M. Hays | T. Hays Esqr | Wandsworth Common|
Postmark: 24 May 1814
1 Fenwick Family Papers, Correspondence, 1798-1855, New York Historical Library; Wedd, Fate of the Fenwicks 156-60; not in Brooks, Correspondence.
2 Some of Mary Hays's favorite nieces, all known to Eliza Fenwick: Elizabeth Dunkin Francis, Joanna Dunkin Palmer, Emma Dunkin Hills, and Sarah Dunkin Wedd.
3 The solicitor William Tooke, a friend of Mary Hays since the 1790s.
4 Hays was once again living with her brother, Thomas Hays, at this home on Wandsworth Common; by the end of the year she will have removed to Bristol.