Mary Hays, [30 Kirby Street], to William Godwin, [25 Chalton Street, Somers Town], Wednesday 8 March 1796.1
Wednesday morng – March 8th ^96^
Now, you have given me an agreeable subject,2 upon which, having so long harrassed you with painful ones, I must expatiate a little. – But let me premise, that I dwell on it, not because I flatter myself with its being very important to you, but because it is pleasant to myself – You guess I wou’d speak of the respect & esteem with which you have inspired me. My heart is so constituted, that sensations of asperity & resentment, what ever may have been the provocation, are not more painful than transient, but acts of kindness it treasures up never to be effaced or forgotten – And from you, I have received nothing but acts of kindness, & I shou’d abhor myself, as most unjust and capricious, if I did not feel, & acknowledge, all their value! Yes, I repeat, your friendship is one of my greatest & most unmixed, consolations, & the idea, now, of being considered unworthy of it, wou’d sensibly afflict me. The very opposition you have lately given to me, I consider as a new act of kindness, because I am convinced it was intended for my benefit: & tho’, I believe, on some subjects, from the different circumstances which have formed our characters, we shou’d never entirely agree, yet I own myself culpable, if I have spoken with petulance, & I trust in your humanity, that you will make allowances for the late trying state of my mind – The struggle has been severe, it involved a number of complicated emotions, but, tho’ certainly very far from happy, I am better than I have been. I am concerned at the observations of your friend, & shall take care, when I have an opportunity, to efface the impression from his mind. –– Do you remember the letter of mine which you once shew’d ^to^ him – dare I suspect, tho’ probably unconscious of it himself – I will say no more!
I think, I understood the distinctions you endeavour’d to convey to my mind, when
I last conversed with you, but, still,
I do not entirely allow their force, but am inclined to believe, that as the
understanding improves, & we extend our I am solicitous for your opinion of my papers, that I may calculate my chances of success. The time you spare from your numerous avocations for the perusal of my scribbles I feel as a real obligation, & yet, you suspected that I esteemed you less. No, your friendship is my pleasure & my boast, & if you do not tell me, you are convinced of my sincerity, I shall be afraid3 of being proud & saucy again. This is a letter I believe, without a complaint, I must not end it so, or you will suspect, that somebody has assumed my signature & imitated my writing. I will confess, then, that I am not sufficiently disinterested as to expect to be happy. I want a certain number of agreeable sensations for which nature has constituted me – I want, perhaps, a greater number of social & civil advantages, which my education, & the society in which I have mix’d, have taught me to consider as valuable. I look back on the past with a variety of painful ideas & recollections, & I look forward, at present, with joyless indifference. I believe, there is one circumstance which I have not yet mentioned to you, & I am determined by my ingenuousness (if I have no other virtue) to give myself a claim upon your esteem. I early one morng, in last week, accompanied by a friend (to whom a full explanation of my motives and conduct was unnecessary)4 call’d on the man who had been the subject of my confessions.5 I made my friend ^announce, &^ precede, me to his apartment, & notwithstanding this precaution, which I conceived delicacy required, my entrance most completely disconcerted him (I had never from motives, easy to be conceived, visited him before) – ‘I am come (said I, smiling) to call upon you for the exercise of less than a Christian duty, the forgiveness, not of an enemy but, of a friend – I have, no doubt, been guilty of errors, who is free?’ – I held out my hand – He took it, & replied to me, with a degree of cordiality. The past was no farther alluded to. – I ask’d him, if he wou’d, with our friend present, come & drink tea with me, to this he assented without hesitation. A few days since, they fulfilled their engagement, two other friends were ^also^ of the party. Whether he will ever think proper to call on me again, I know not, but as I conceived, I had not been faultless, & as it is particularly painful to cherish severe feelings, where I have heretofore felt affection, I do not repent of what I have done, but feel myself relieved by it. I likewise, since this, see the whole affair with a cooler eye, & observe it in more points of view, than I had before done – absence magnified objects – my hopes have, now, entirely ceased, & with them, some illusions appear to be losing their force – my mind seems regaining a firmer tone – it is no longer convulsed with uncertainty. I promise nothing, I am aware of the danger of relapses, but my situation is certainly changed, from the removal of suspense – I perceive this, & I am calmer – I do not deceive you, unless I deceive myself. It is no bad method of examining our motives & actions, to try how far we dare reveal them to a judicious & benevolent friend – I have, hitherto stood this test, when it fails, I shall sink in my own esteem.
I shou’d like to meet you some day at Mr
Holcroft’s when there is not too much company, Mr H need not trouble himself to procure ladies to
meet me, his daughter is sufficient, I am more used to, and therefore more at ease in,
the company of men – I wish to hear
Miss H perform on the harpsichord. I wou’d call some day & take my chance,
if I thought I shou’d Do not let it be long before I see you, yr last was a very transient visit6 – believe me to be, with lively esteem, & sincere respect your obligd friend – Mary Hays. 1 MS MH 0016, Pforzheimer Collection, NYPL; Brooks, Correspondence 442-44; Wedd, Love Letters 233-35. 2 Most likely this originated during Godwin's visit of 5 March to see Hays (see Godwin Diary). At the time of this letter, he is still reading her MS. of Emma Courtney. 3 affraid] MS 4 Most likely Wollstonecraft. 5 William Frend. 6 Reference again to his visit on 5 March Godwin will call again on Hays on 10 March. |
MARY HAYS: LIFE, WRITINGS, AND CORRESPONDENCE > MARY HAYS CORRESPONDENCE > 1790-1799 > 1796 >