Mary Hays, [30 Kirby Street], to William Godwin, 25 Chalton Street, Somers Town, 4 April 1796.1
April 4th – 1796
I
am glad you allow, that individual attachment has in it the spirit of true
philanthropy – for such is the predominant fate of my character. I have often
repeated, with enthusiasm, from Sterne – “Were I in a desert, I wou’d find out
wherewith in it to call forth my affections – If I cou’d do no better, I wou’d
fix them upon some sweet myrtle, or seek some melancholy cypress to connect
myself to. I wou’d court their shade, & greet them kindly for their
protection – I wou’d cut my name upon them, & swear they were the loveliest
trees throughout the desart. If their leaves wither’d, I wou’d rejoice
with them.”2 Yet, has this disposition occasion’d me much suffering, & some
degradation – for where my affections have been, in any degree excited, my
judgement is too apt to become blinded in proportion, & I labour, against
conviction, for arguments to justify my fanaticism. I have been, thro’ life, a
victim to high wrought, romantic, feeling – yes, you are right, to those
feelings which made me hunt torture, & cherish despair – And I have grieved
as the vision has melted away. I am at present struggling with emotions of this
nature: I feel myself compelled to some painful retractions of judgement – I
admit them with hesitation, with strong reluctance – but they force themselves
upon me! The sensations they produce are uncongenial to my heart – I had a
thousand times rather, that heart shou’d continue to be a victim to tender
sorrow! Oh! you know not how much Satanic pride, I wonder I write confessions to you, for I have found out, notwithstanding your system, that your character is very reserved – I continually talk of myself, nor dare I indulge a hope, that I am an interesting egotist, but now I will take a better subject, & talk of you. It has been my lot to meet with people that puzzle me, & you are one of those. I have a notion, I do not know you much better now, than when we first became acquainted. I do not accuse you of duplicity, certainly not, but it appears to me, that you practise the advice of a scotch bard – “Conceal yourself as weel’s ye can From critical dissection, But ken thro’ every other man, With sharpen’d, sly, inspection.”3 Forgive
me, if encouraged by your indulgence, I am sometimes saucy! Yet, some opinions
of you, I have ventured to form – I do not think with Mr Thelwall,4 that your character is cold – Who that
reads in your publications – Thoughts that glow, & words that burn – can think so; besides, it is a part of my creed, that, strong talents
bespeak acute I wrote a letter to you while my mind was in a painful state, a wild, incoherent letter, which I suppose expressed feeling – I wish to refer to it – will you lend it ^to^ me, also, the two next, if you can readily find them among your papers – I shall esteem it a favour?6 I think you once asked me whether Mr Christie was in Town – I am informed that he is – Mrs Imlay is also return’d, & at their house7 – I am sorry to add, her health appears in a still more declining state. It does not signify what is the cause, but her heart, I think, is broken. I am in better health than I was, but weary of most things & more than all of myself – My mind has had too many caustics of late – a sort of operation which never agreed with it – yet, I have had my share – You, my friend, have administer’d only lenients – & shall I not acknowledge them – shall I not thank you? I am not miserable – but my spirit is benighted – I have lost its sunshine – the cloud sits deep. Adieu my friend, may all happiness continue to attend you – you deserve it – you have no extravagant follies – As for myself, I cou’d now wish to live till my work is finished – & then – close my eyes on the wretched farce of life. M H
Address: Wm Godwin | Somers Town | 25 Chalton Street Postmark: 4 April 1796, 12 o’clock Noon
Post pd 1 MS MH 0019, Pforzheimer Collection, NYPL; Brooks, Correspondence 448-51. 2 From Laurence Sterne's A Sentimental Journey (London: J. Creswick, 1794), 57. Hays conflates the last two lines of the passage, which read: "if their leaves withered, I would teach myself to mourn; and when they rejoiced, I would rejoice along with them." 3 Lines from Robert Burns's "Epistle to a Young Friend" (1786), stanza V. 4 John Thelwall (see Biographical Index). 5 Edmund Burke (1730-97), one of the greatest statesmen in England during the last half of the 18th century. 6 Previous to the above letter, Hays wrote to Godwin on 2-6 February, 9 February, 14-20 February, 1 March, 8 March, 10 March, and 23 March 1796. 7 Thomas Christie (1761-96) lived in Finsbury Square and was a friend of Wollstonecraft and Joseph Johnson, assisting the latter in the founding and editing of the Analytical Review. |
MARY HAYS: LIFE, WRITINGS, AND CORRESPONDENCE > MARY HAYS CORRESPONDENCE > 1790-1799 > 1796 >