Letter 86. John Eccles to Mary Hays, Wednesday evening, 3 November 1779.1 My dearest Maria, Shall I confess I am at a loss what to write; and will you not be displeased at my saying so? – Perhaps your displeasure would be more painful than any thing that can possibly happen to me; indeed it would. – ’Tis your amiable, your endearing behavior overcomes me; its influence is unbounded, and cannot be conceived by minds of “vulgar stamp.” – I cannot write, but I feel you beat in every pulse. – I cannot tell you my heart; language is unequal to the task; but every sensation of love and gratitude reigns there. – Oh that it were in my power, to reward such unparalleled goodness as you are an example of; – fortune! – I ask thy [f. 327] gifts but for that; and canst thou reject a wish so generous; so disinterested? But thou art blind, thou canst not see her; thou distributest thy blessings indiscriminately, and without judgment. – Yet ’tis not in thy power to withhold her from me; thou canst not part us; she is mine, and I am hers by ties indissoluble as fate. – Why should I complain then? – Is she not more precious than crowns and tiaras? – She is dearer to my soul than all the blessings of heaven; and the world without her would not be worth a thought. – You cannot conceive how difficult I find it to leave you, after having been in your company two or three hours; – it seems like going away from myself; – and to endeavor to entertain myself with others, would be vain indeed, for they are really troublesome, and all their attempts to please disgusting; the only refuge I have is my chamber, and a book, or some of your letters. – Those I read always with a new and sincere pleasure; they can soften the bitterest moments. – Nor is this an unpleasing employment; it has many charms; it is perhaps productive of some satisfaction to you; you will read these lines with some agreeable emotions; I feel the same in writing them; – were I to neglect it I should reproach myself with ingratitude; on the contrary I now feel all the “pleasures of pleasing.” – From comparing you with the rest of the world, I derive new sources of enjoyment; – its insincerity and fickleness shews your dispositions and conduct with a new lustre; – I see your constancy and affection with an heartfelt, inexpressible delight. – The fears and doubts which formerly tormented me, are dispersed by the kind assurances you have so [f. 328] repeatedly made me, and I am more at ease; – secure of my Maria’s heart, what more can I hope for? – I am confident I shall never be deprived of that, whatever else may happen to me. – Mutual love has joys which are beyond the joys of fortune; – may they ever be my Maria’s and mine, and I ask no more. – When I was younger, worldly ambition actuated me; I would have sacrificed almost any thing to it; now I see my folly, and despise it. – Now let me make you happy, and my desires are completed. – I have been reflecting on Mr and Mrs Parker’s behavior to you. – I am not able to account for their coldness; I wish to think it was because I was there, they appeared so grave and reserved; yet from their former affability and complaisance I have no reason to think so. – I am in the dark and must remain so. – They certainly treated you in an unbecoming manner; yet I hope you value yourself too much to regard it. – One circumstance which I noticed was so particular that I must mention it; the very minute you proposed going away, Mrs P. and Miss L.2 got up, without asking you either to stay to supper, or so much as to sit down again; Mr P. was instantly called, and they seemed to hasten us out of the house. – I was last night inclined to be charitable, but it now appears to me to have been design from the beginning to the end. – I did something yesterday which vexed me very much, yet however it was, I was not disposed to be grave; had they been at all sociable, I should have been very chearful; I went there on purpose. – [f. 329] They owed you the greatest attention, yet paid you very little; but let it not trouble us; the blame is on their side, let us leave it to them. – I saw Mrs Ludgater3 was at the window last night when we came home, looking out with the greatest attention; – she saw you get out of the coach just before I knocked at the door. – I expected to hear from her that you and I were married, but – not a word; ’tis a subject on which she grows rather timid. – This brings to my recollection one or two of your letters which I was reading the day before yesterday; what a bl––kh––d4 was I not to accept your offers! – but I believe you did it only to tempt me; twice you offered me your hand; beware of the third time; for if you refuse me then, I shall run away with you against your consent. – Really though, I am perfectly shocked at my dullness, that I did not take you at your word, and conduct you to the temple of Hymen sans cérimonie; but remember I shall perfectly understand you the next time, and whether you are in earnest or not, it will be the same, for go you must and shall; – I shall not easily bear a refusal. – Yet sure you could not be so hard-hearted as first to raise me to the summit of hope, and then hurl me head long to the pit of despair? No, no; ’tis impossible to treat so faithful a swain with cruelty; am I not right? – I know you think so. – But stop – matrimony might make a change in you; I have seen one instance of it; and I cannot hope for a change in you for the better; – what is to be done [f. 330] then? – I’ll hazard the change, for sure I am, my dear little girl can change nothing but her name. – I have sent you the verses which I addressed to you some time ago, as you wished to have them – Adieu! J. Eccles. – Wednesday even: Novr 3d 1779. – To Miss Hays, on seeing a Statue of Venus with Cupid by her side, July 21st 1779 _____________
1 Brooks, Correspondence 178-80; Wedd, Love Letters 156-57. 2 Miss Lepard, most likely Ann Lepard Parker's sister. 3 Eccles's landlady. 4 Blockhead. |
MARY HAYS: LIFE, WRITINGS, AND CORRESPONDENCE > MARY HAYS CORRESPONDENCE > 1778-1780 Volume 1 > Letters 81-102 >